There are various big life changes that you need to navigate at some points in your life. It is inevitable. It’s part of the experience being a human. 

Some of them come easy. Most of them are hard, and confusing. But all of them are important. Yet, no one ever told us how to navigate these changes and transition in the healthiest way. 

We were conditioned to fear and resist change. To believe that change is risky and unsafe. While in fact, change is the only constant and the most natural thing on earth. 

We were conditioned to believe the illusion of control and see surrender as a weakness. We were conditioned to believe that time is scarce and speed is everything – therefore, we should fasten our transition and arrive at the other side, bypassing unpleasant emotions and get into a state of happiness, as soon as possible. This is why transition feels hard.

“While in fact, the transition period is such a precious space
where you get to metamorphose into the next version you need to become.”

Here are some signs to know if you’re currently in the middle of a transition:

• You’re ending, or recently ended, a big chapter in your life (e.g. a serious relationship, marriage, changing careers, passing of someone important to you, uprooting your life and moving to a new country) 
• You notice that an old identity in you doesn’t exist anymore (e.g. you went through a deep healing process, shed some old beliefs, or you become a parent for the first time)
• You feel that your future plans got distorted, you have no clue how life will turn out 
• You notice some fears around not knowing how the future will be.

The transition space brings magic, yet it’s confusing. Sometimes it feels like you are in an endless long dark tunnel filled with uncertainties. 

But the truth is this long dark tunnel consists of some definable stages.

Your transition process has a few recognizable checkpoints. It is a thick book with separate chapters. 

Knowing where you are in the tunnel helps to give context to your brain (which makes your nervous system feel safer) and helps you to be informed on what kind of actions you need to take. 

Before we get into it, a few important notes about the transition tunnel you need to know, in order for you to fully embrace your metamorphosis: 

1. You can’t skip any stages. 
2. You don’t know how long each stage will take (it can take ten minutes or it can take ten months)
3. You will have resistance along the way. This is the trickiest old friend you need to tame in order for you to move forward.
4. There can be small tunnels inside your bigger tunnel (you’ll never get bored)
5. There can be some overlaps. For example: having a glimpse of “Exploration” within the “Reassembly” stage. This is normal, not a regression. 

Now that you have the right expectations, here are the 6 stages (including Stage 0) in your transition tunnel:

Stage 0: Ending

Before entering a transition tunnel, there’s first always an ending. There are two types of ending. The one that happens abruptly to you (or for you), or the one that you need to initiate.

An abrupt ending happens either when a certain circumstance needs to inevitably end beyond your control (e.g. death of a loved one), or when you’ve resisted a necessary ending that should’ve happened a while back. 

An intentional ending is driven by your quiet understanding, the subtle voice of intuition, that it’s time for something to drastically change. 

This inner knowing usually doesn’t come abruptly. There might have been signs or gentle nudges before. For example, noticing how your relationship doesn’t work for years. You noticed the little voice in your gut for some time, but you only arrived into a calm clarity to take the leap to leave after 7 years.

If the decision is in your hands (e.g. to stay or to leave a marriage, or a country, not in the case of losing a job or someone’s leaving or passing), you need to get into your own true clarity. Clarity that’s based on your own inner compass, not based on what society tells you as right or wrong. This kind of clarity will invite courage to join the party. 

You will need courage to allow death of the old to happen, so you can eventually welcome a new beginning. 

If Ending comes abruptly without a choice (e.g. someone’s death or a global pandemic), you might fall into a place of denial for a little while. When you eventually can release resistance, and enter acceptance, and surrender, the faster you can start your transition tunnel.  

What’s needed to move to the next stage:

1. True clarity (e.g. to stay or to leave) 
2. Courage 
3. Acceptance
4. Surrender

Stage 1: Entrance
“Stepping Into the Dark”

The “Entrance” stage is marked by you standing in front of a dark tunnel. You have zero clue how long the tunnel will be, and what’s on the other side. But after the “Ending”, you know there’s no other way but to step into the dark. You can try to resist and try to take a detour, but to eventually become the next version you need to be, there’s no other way but to take that first step. 

The first steps inside the transition tunnel can bring a lot of fears. It can feel like the darkest part of the tunnel where you can barely see anything. Internally, you are still somewhat in between two worlds: the old and the transitional space. You might want to either go back to the familiar, or you want to just run, to fast forward to the emergence. But your wise self knows, that’s not how this works. 

Embracing the first steps in the dark tunnel requires you to embrace grief. During this stage, you’re dismantling your old form. You’re shedding the old skin, going to a place of nothingness. Just like any death can bring sorrow, any kind of ending is a death to the previous version of yourself that requires space for grief.

The more open you are to surrender, to accept, and to embrace grief, the lighter your steps will be. 

What’s needed to move to the next stage: 

• Embracing grief
• Gratitude of the past
• Compassion
• Grace
• Trust
• Hope
• Curiosity
• Surrender

Stage 2: Exploration
“Catching sparks”

Now, this is the fun part. The chocolate chip cookie on a sluggish afternoon, if you allow it to be. 

Let’s first go back to the objective why a transition tunnel is here in the first place. You’re going through a transition tunnel as a process of transformation. Meaning: the person who entered the tunnel and the person who’ll eventually emerge at the end of the tunnel are two different versions of yourself. 

In order for this process to work, you need to be open to any kind of possibilities. You need to surrender to signs and guidance that appear along the way. Imagine getting deeper into the dark tunnel, where at one point you start noticing some sparks of light. These tiny sparks show you where you need to go. It doesn’t light up the whole path, but it’s bright enough for you to see where you need to take your next step. And then to the next step. Then to the next one. 

One. Singular. Step. At. A. Time. 

It is also the part that makes a long transition tunnel feel more bearable. You’re recharging your tired heart by bringing in some joy, excitement, and wonder. This is the time where you need to tune down the analytical brain, and say “Yes!” to new experiences and opportunities. Try out new roles or identities if you like, without getting attached to it. Enter lightheartedness and play is crucial in this stage. 

What’s needed to move to the next stage:

• Presence 
• “YES” mentality 
• Follow joy
• Active exploration 
• Play
• Experiments
• Making mistakes

Stage 3: Marination
“Active surrender”

During this stage, you’re entering the active process of marination. It’s not so much about the doing, it’s about letting your being soak in all lessons you found in your exploration stage. It’s the Savasana resting pose after 1 hour of yoga. It’s the integration process. 

This doesn’t mean you’ll just lie in bed and do nothing. You will still get up every day and take action. But it is important to release any attachment to the illusion of control, inch by inch. Be wide open to absorb all the herbs that life had to offer at that moment in time. Marination, not yet cooking time. Allow the transition tunnel to bring you to the next version you need to become, without trying to push anything. 

What’s needed to move to the next stage:

• Spaciousness and quiet
• Surrender 
• Curiosity
• Turning inward, reflective mode. Notice differences in your cellular level.  
• Exploring any wordless / formless activities (e.g. art, music, dancing, painting)
• Start noticing which feels true, and which does not 
• Re-explore your fundamental values 
• Start letting go what doesn’t feel true

Stage 4: Reassembly
“Picking up the pieces”

This is the space between waking up from a long hibernation and being fully ready for your new day. You probably feel hazy, but you know it is time for you to start taking actions to slowly reconstruct and rebuild. It is a messy creative process. With both intentionality and grace, you pick up the new puzzle pieces and start rearranging. This might look like: forming a new habit, practicing voicing out your needs with clarity, having more intentional connections with others, or planning a project.

This is also the time for you to intentionally let go of what doesn’t serve you or doesn’t align with your fundamental values. 

What’s needed to move to the next stage:

• Clarity of intention 
• Vision of the future
• Releasing perfectionism 
• Time and space
• A lot of grace and kindness 
• Grounding practice 
• Patience
• Support from people you can trust (who can hold you accountable in a safe space)

Stage 5: Emergence
“A new beginning”

Spring is here! After such a long rollercoaster journey, you’re finally stepping into the new version of yourself. You will notice a new set of identity – not particularly a new societal role, but you feel fundamentally different on the inside.

Some signs when you’re in the Emergence stage:

• You feel secure, more at peace, and content. 
• You show up differently and speak with clarity. 
• You feel more rooted and grounded with confidence. 
• You connect with others with more authenticity, honesty, and assurance. 
• Your life starts to have a new natural rhythm.
• You feel ready to take charge. 
• Not only in your inner world, you also notice changes in your external reality.

Overall, when it comes to going through a transition tunnel, we must understand that it’s always a co-creation process between you and Life itself. It’s beautiful and messy. It takes as long as it takes. Because the goal isn’t to get out of the tunnel. Your metamorphosis inside the tunnel is the real treasure.

The more we can release resistance and the illusion of control, the more we can surrender and trust, while mindfully owning our actions. You’ll be moved to different directions, while still having the freewill to make your own choices, based on your inner compass. 

This is the ultimate dance between ownership and surrender. 

Now, over to you… 

In which stage of the tunnel are you in right now? What are the current challenges you notice? We’d love to have more conversations about it, so please share your thoughts and insights below.

If you feel called and ready to receive support, it would be my honor to walk alongside you in the process. Transition coaching is a co-creative process of exploration, support, and partnership in your tunnel. Working with me is a powerful dance in a safe space. Trust is the ultimate factor. Therefore, your first 30-min consultation session is completely free. Use this to simply explore and sense if we are a good fit for each other.

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