Whether you’re ending a long term relationship, moving to a new country, processing the passing of a loved one, becoming a new parent, or having a career change, big life transitions can feel like a dark, scary, and confusing tunnel at times. A long tunnel, that we don’t know when and how it will end. 

Transition feels particularly hard because big changes pose threats to your self identity. We’re conditioned to believe that we need to attach ourselves to … something. A person, a nationality, a status, a label. We attach ourselves to various labels of identity to get the sense of our worth. We’re not comfortable to be in a state of unknownness and nothingness. While in fact, this is the fundamental truth of our human existence. In comparison to the unmeasurable and limitlessness of the Universe, we are indeed nothing (and everything).

Society teaches us to attach labels and meaning to the formless. We’re taught to believe that a state of “knowing” equals safety. This was somewhat true back in the prehistoric era, where the attempt to know – e.g. if there’s a tiger across the river – was a literal survival mechanism. 

But in today’s world, where we can be 99.999% sure there’s no tiger waiting at your doorstep, the desire to know becomes more like the root to our anxiety than a life-or-death survival tool. Our psyche can’t comprehend the difference at times.

We are ever-evolving beings by nature. There’s nothing permanent and certain about our life and our experience as humans. Nevertheless, we still are trapped in the illusion of permanence and control. 

This is why, transition stage can feel like a threat internally. 

When a big change happens, it can feel like you’re forced to divorce a big part of you within. Even when it is for a good reason. Even if you made your own decision deliberately and carefully. Still, internally it feels like a forceful inner disconnect. Within your psyche, the disconnect is similar to a “death” experience. It is a massive threat to your perceived self identity. 

With any perceived threat, naturally, you would feel unsafe. And when you feel unsafe, the Ego raises up to do what it believes it does best. To protect you from danger. Ego will tell you that you need to cling to the old, to the familiar. To resist any kind of changes and unknown risks. 

Ah, then here comes the most predictable clash in the human psyche. While your wise self knows that you’re already in a brand new present moment, the Ego wants to cling to what’s not there anymore. We know this clash as “the resistance”. 

A space of resistance is where suffering grows. 

There is great and bad news to recognizing resistance. Even when you’re able to release resistance, it doesn’t give you a smooth sailing transition. Your transition tunnel will still be messy and uncertain. Fear will come knocking at your door from time to time. 

But here’s the wonderful news. With the right mindset, radical ownership, and commitment to healing and evolution, the transition stage can be a magical space for you to create a brand new reality.

Now, what do you need to do to claim that role of a creator? Here are five steps that I found to be crucial in my own big life transitions:

1. Release the “old”

The old reality isn’t here anymore. Our mind just got caught up, holding on to the illusion and clinging to the past. Releasing the old doesn’t at all mean to bypass or to suppress your pain. It is quite the opposite. Having the commitment to release the old need to include the ritual to grief and fully feel your feelings. Allocate some time to mourn and also to express gratitude. Also be ready to hold a kind and safe space whenever grief comes visiting unexpectedly in the future.

After you feel complete, make a decision to lovingly release. To let go of what’s not here anymore. The quicker you can arrive at the place of radical acceptance of the present reality, the less suffering you’ll become. And in this place of non-resistance and acceptance, you will then have more space for true clarity to emerge, in its own timing.

2. Create space and embrace slowness

This might not be easy for some. Especially if you have responsibilities to care for others. But as much as possible, commit to creating more space and walk your days at a slower pace. Because you can’t change clothes while running. In this space of transition, your NOs become way more important than your Yeses. Be vigilant to your healthy boundaries and where they leak. It is a spiritual practice to know how to embrace your conscious selfishness. This is extremely important for the reason in the next point.

3. Cultivate more kindness and compassion for yourself

If there’s a better reason for being kind to yourself, it’s during your big life transitions. Imagine being with a best friend who just lost a parent. Would you tell her that she’s lazy for delaying her work? If you can be kind to someone who grieves, you can then be also kind to yourself while processing the “death” of your old self. Remember, your nervous system is going through a shocking experience now. Being a safe space for yourself is a priority. 

Do you know what else is good for your nervous system during this time? Joy. This is time for you to cultivate more play and fun. Try out something new. Experiment. Be silly and playful. Injecting more joy during this transition time will give signals to your body that you are safe and alive in the present moment.

4. Release the desire to know how and when it will end

Transition can feel like a forever dark tunnel. But I promise, it is impermanent. Nature shows us best. Just like how the sun always rises every morning, your new chapter will arrive. It’s inevitable. You just don’t know how and when. And that’s the beauty of it. It takes as long as it takes.

The only thing you need to know is that a transition stage can bring you magic as long as you’re willing to do the messy dance of ownership and surrender. You simply need to get in touch with your inner clarity, one tiny step at a time. Take a courageous step, then surrender. Befriend the messy path. Notice how your mind will either keep on bringing you to the past, or the illusion of the future. Gently bring it back to the present, where clarity can take place.

5. Get support, as early as possible

The moment when I knew I’d need to release a big old form last year, I contacted a trusted coach to get support. Why? Because while I knew all the 4 points above were truer than true, I also understood how hard it would be in practice if I did it alone. I was ready for the messy dance of ownership and surrender, but I knew I needed solid support to do so.

During a transition period our ego will always show up, sneaky and strong, in the attempt of protecting our scared inner child. No matter how much I knew in theory, I deeply honor the real and messy human side of me. I’d be in a tender place. It would be extremely difficult to see things clearly at times. I would need a trusted mirror, a guidance to access my own inner compass. Months later, standing much stronger than ever with my clarity, I feel tremendously grateful that I reached out for support. I really couldn’t imagine otherwise.

Transition tunnels are some of the most magical gifts of life. These are special spaces, where you can be grateful for what was, while what will be hasn’t yet arrived. In those rare places of nothingness, there are many precious jewels waiting for you to find. 

There are times when you feel like skipping it until the end. I get it. I’ve been there too (and I still am sometimes). The impatience and anxiety are no joke. But I’m here to tell you to stay here, for a little longer. Don’t miss out on the magic. As long as you are connected to your inner clarity, you are safe. I promise. I’m here with you.

Navigating transition can be confusing and hard. You feel scared, unsafe, and alone sometimes. Know that you don’t have to do it alone. You deserve support, a safe space and an honest mirror to guide you to your own truth. If you are ready to do your messy dance of ownership and surrendering, I’d love to support you in the journey. Book a free 30-min consultation call today, to explore together if I can be that right support system for you.

Click this link to find a good time slot. I cannot wait to speak with you!

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